I realized yesterday while deleting old messages, that it has been one full year since my ex and I broke up. The day we broke up I remember what a complete and utter mess I was. In fact, the whole entire relationship I was a mess. I relied on him way too much. It affected my relationships with others and my mental happiness. Every time we got into a fight we talked it over and went back through these same negative cycles. Our last fight, prior to breaking up, was so bad that I became depressed. I thought, “I have nothing to live for I might as well give up.” I know this sounds super dramatic, but I was so deeply involved in him that he had become my only purpose. What I didn’t realize on that day last year, November 27, 2016, is breaking would be the best possible thing to happen. He was my first real relationship so I learned a lot about myself through him and gained a ton of confidence. After too many regrettable one night stands, he seemed to be the resolution to the disapointing fuck boy cycle. I grew more and more comfortable in my skin and for that I will be forever grateful to him. It’s not like he’s a “bad” guy, in fact I loved him a lot, its just that we weren’t meant for each other and I certainly needed a break to reflect on myself. So this is where my last year has taken me both mentally and physically since we’ve broken up.
November 27th- We broke up around 2pm. I cried. I cried some more, I unfollowed him on find my friends (laughing at how big of a deal that was then), he unfollowed me. Friends came over, snuggled with me and made me laugh. That night I said “fuck it” and went to the gym. The gym became my happy place. I made tons of phone calls to friends while on the elliptical and an hour later I went back, showered, did some homework and miraculously fell soundly asleep.
November 29th- Accounting final. I couldn’t study like I used to on my other tests for this class. A mutual friend between my ex and I always studied together but this time it was way more distracting to have him here than before.
December 2nd- My sorority had our semi-formal dance. I brought Josh, another mutual friend. After a week of holding all my feelings, he definitely got the wrath of them when alcohol became involved. That night he dropped me off at my door only to find my friend extremely drunk. He left thinking the situation was under control, however as time went on it became more apparent that she was loosing consciousness and she was in need of real medical help. After calling 911, I panicked. I called my ex. His friends told him not to answer so I called one of them instead and texted him. No reply till the next day. This was one of the hardest situations I found myself in. I was scared for my friend and without the guidance of who used to be my best friend. I relied on him to make me feel better and without him I didn’t think it could get better.
December 4th- The roles reversed and this time he was in need of my help. A similar situation happened to his best friend and I was now on the receiving end. I answered. I calmed him down.
December 5th- We met up. We talked out the last huge fight we had and brought it to a better place. This conversation lasted hours and I didn’t want to look at him once. After we got to better terms we hugged but that made it all the more depressing. It was one of those hugs where you realize this won’t ever happen again. We both stayed longer than we should have and grabbed each other a little tighter than we should have. That was our last hug.
December 6th- I try out CAPS, my schools free counseling services. I’ve been going back ever since. I like her better than other therapists I’ve been to in the past because she actually problem solves. My whole first meeting was a guided meditation.
Winter break- We tried talking to friendship terms and texted way more often then we should.
February- We are friends and meet up to go out. We get way too drunk and the night got a little hazy. I woke up the next morning realizing he had kissed me and I stopped it. It was at that moment right there I realized my strength. This happened a second time, however, I didn’t stop it. We talked about it the next day and he asked me why I stopped him first but not the second time this occurred. I thought about it until I realized, it was because I wasn’t going to get hurt.
March- We both go to Cabo for spring break. This gave me so much anxiety, I was looking left and right for him to just show up wherever I was. The first time I saw him I was in the pool with other guys I had just met. I thought one of them was cute and he was making it clear he was into me too. Then the ex walks in and I hurry out. I stupidly sit next to him and I honestly couldn’t tell you what we talked about. I left crying. I left my phone at the pool and went down an hour later to find texts from him wanting to talk. No part of me wanted to talk.
April- He texts me on my birthday. It was thoughtful, and it made me happy. Weeks later I get texts from him saying our relationship was a mistake and he’s not sure why he dated me in the first place. I finally start letting myself get more serious with other guys. I meet someone I really like, but school ends. We continued to talk daily.
May- I went to Israel, and met a guy. We got pretty serious for the amount of time we were together but I knew it wasn’t going anywhere. The time limit made that conversation easy.
June- I see him when I visit school during the summer. I also spend time with the guy I met towards the end of the year. It was refreshing to have gone though other somewhat meaningful relationships before seeing him again. It was civil and I am happy I did it.
July- I continue texting the new guy from school every day. I workout daily, and discovered the heeling powers of yoga.
August- I text him on his 21st birthday. To be honest, I typed out the message a day before on my notes. I go abroad and start traveling all throughout Europe. I meet a new boy on my program but we kept things casual. I also still liked the guy from school and we were still constantly talking.
October- I end things with the guy from school. The constant texting is what had been making me crazy in relationships. It’s so ingenue and I realized my whole day revolved around texting them back.
November- I put more effort into the relationship I kept casual. We went on dates and he is probably 180 from my ex. I am definitely starting to like him and am nervous about abroad ending since that means the end to him and I as well.
While I gave you an overview of the last 12 months I can say I am a new person. The breakup has taught me a great deal about myself and how to approach relationships. I am still learning as I am only 20, but to sit here today and write this and see the progress I have made is tremendous. I am without a doubt happier than I was a year ago and at a great place in my life. Being away from school for so long has definitely helped me gain a new perspective too. While in Budapest we were playing Truth or Dare and one of the rounds I asked for a truth. I was pretty drunk at this point so there was no hiding a lie in my answer. A friend asked me, “if your ex came up to you asking to get back together and that it was a mistake would you?” I quickly shot back no. And then I realized I had no interest. I wasn’t the same girl that was with him and this new girl was happy. Some key takeaways I have from my story is that, its okay to be glad some negatives things happened to you. Relying on someone is not healthy. Every once in a while, even if the relationship is going well take some time to yourself. The breather can help you realize its the right place for you to be. If it re-establishes beliefs that its not right for you then don’t be afraid to step out of it.