Lately, I have been having some minor sleeping issues. On occasion, I am unable to fall asleep because I don’t feel tired enough and my mind begins to wander. Being the health and wellness *expert* that I am, I knew there was a natural remedy to help with these issues because I will NEVER take sleeping pills. That reason can be another story at another time. My idea to was to begin writing letters of forgiveness to the people my mind trails off to on nights I can’t fall asleep. To people who might have made a mistake, who might still be making mistakes, big or small. I don’t expect anything to change on their end because of this. I really just gain a lot of perspective on myself when I write my thoughts down. While I know the majority of the people reading will be very lost throughout most of this letter, it really is just for my own personal closure. I am also aware that some of these people actively follow my account. I am not trying to call them out and will do my best to keep people anonymous by being as vague as possible. Some I may even just keep for myself and some I may send to the person directly.
To begin, I really enjoyed this quick read on writing forgiveness letters. In less than 1000 words she was able to understand my thoughts, and while I don’t believe this practice to be “life changing,” it was a nice way to check in with myself and continue moving forward.
So with slight hesitancy in sharing, here is my first letter of forgiveness.
Words Left Unspoken
I hope that you aren’t reading this, because deep down I know you don’t deserve to hear it. But there are many words that were left and will forever be left unspoken. (Or, in this case, you will never hear coming out of my mouth.) I don’t know why, but I loved you. I don’t know exactly what that meant, but in some form of the way I loved you. Maybe it was because we understood each other differently than those around us. Maybe it was because you were there for the last eight months from the moment I woke up to the second I went to sleep. All while having a seven-hour time difference. Maybe it was those forced shared fourteen hours with only two feet of space between us. I listened to your voicemail tonight. You know that one you left me in which you act all politician and then get to your version of being sweet. It made me happy to hear because I remember how I felt hearing it for the first time. I am sorry I lied to you that night. I had to do it to protect the last bit of myself still aware of how quickly and easily you would again fuck me over.
Anyways, back to these unspoken words. There were many times I was lying in bed with you thinking how badly I wanted to say what I was feeling but I couldn’t ever bring myself to it. I don’t think it was ever meant for you to hear (until maybe right now lacking most of its meaning). I mean, it is not like you made it easy for me given your record and what you put me through. I never loved the way you made me feel but I couldn’t help the many times I felt like saying those words. I think a part of me thought I was enough to end your bad habits. That the past would stay in the past and you’d start putting me first. I know my type though and I love complicated. Our eight months together was nothing short of that. Now, thinking of you makes me sad. I haven’t had any interest in letting myself get serious with anyone because of how you left our relationship. There are so many times I wish you’d get over your stubborn self and just apologize to me, (at times other then drunkenly calling at 1 a.m.) but we both know this relationship will stay in the past. The sad thing is, I probably would have forgiven you if I found you sleeping on my porch like you said you’d do.
I am writing this with confused hopes. I know you follow me and there is the possibility you will read this. Speaking of, why do you still follow this account having ended things the way you did? I know your egotistical self probably loves the fact I still think of you and it bothers me to give you that satisfaction. I am not sure exactly what I meant to you, but I know it was something different. I wish things ended in different way, but I don’t wish they didn’t end. I was miserable, and while I haven’t felt comfortable being with anyone else yet, I am happy being single. This isolation, especially at school, has been nothing less of eye-opening. I was able to focus on the things that made me happy. I put all the energy I once put into you, into myself. It is exhilarating to spend that much time loving and making myself happy. I hope you have spent this time working on loving yourself too. If you haven’t I hope you start. I hope your experience abroad teaches you of a bigger world, I hope it helps you gain appreciation, and I hope it helps you learn more about yourself.
Given the things you did to me I should never forgive you. I find out more and more about that night from other people and I know I should have never given you another chance. I know we were at a place that you shouldn’t have done it. I know we were at a place that 2 minutes in you should have stopped it. More importantly, we were at a place that you should have told me. And that goes for both of you. So much about you confuses me probably just as much as it confuses you. I hope you find closure for whatever it is that makes you act the way you do. I hope you realize that there are people in your life that love you. I hope you take some time to yourself while in Europe to do some heavy thinking about who you want to be. I just laughed to myself a little because in all honesty it would make me happy to see you hurt, yet at the same time I hope all these wonderful things for you. I still go through problems that I wish you could be there to solve. I guess I understand how you feel with Erin. I think about those things you did to me and I get so angry at myself for not ending things sooner. I should have stood up for myself when you disrespected me, when you took advantage of my trust. Sometimes I felt like we were on a reality TV show and this is a how to lose a girl in 10 days.
Now you know my thoughts. Now you know my words left unspoken (neglecting a lot of other not so nice things I will hold back on). I wish you never did what you did. I wish it didn’t result in me losing a best friend. I wish you’d only be a page in my book. I wish it didn’t end because of an iron. Things are different, and everything happens for a reason. While I haven’t found that reason I know I soon will. I am thankful for the good times we shared. I am thankful I had your company. I am thankful you showed me how to fall back into some sort of love again, and that letting go is okay too. Lastly, I am thankful you are no longer a negative force in my life. I wish you the best, but I also wish nothing comes of this. I just needed to write down my thoughts tonight so maybe I can finally get some closure at 3:01am some many months later. I hope that this will allow myself to begin trusting others again. A part of me wishes we never met, do you think about how different life would have been too? But in all honesty, there was much to gain, both happy and sad. As the members of 6323 so vividly remember me saying, “stop being crazy, we don’t need boys to be happy.”
P.S. If you are reading this can you please take that fucking iron out of my shed this summer? I think it’s about time that iron gets some closure too.